Stop Asking If We Are Done Having Children and What to Ask Instead
Asking people about the number of kids they have is disrespectful. Stop asking people if they are done having children and ask these five questions instead.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
Defeat.
The death of my dream.
I stood there alone in my bathroom, holding the stick in my hand. Trying so hard to be hopeful, but that tiny bit of hope was there. It seemed like a lost cause. Why was I doing this to myself? Again. But what if this was the month?
What if…?
I couldn't even bring myself to utter the words.
I looked at the clock.
It was time.
I hesitated.
I took a deep breath in and held it until my lungs burned.
Negative.
Again.
Tears burned as they rolled down my cheeks. Sobs choked me. I couldn't breathe. The only thing I wanted was to be a Mommy. I didn't want money. I didn't want to be famous. I just wanted to get pregnant and feel that little baby kick inside my womb.
That's it.
Fast forward five years…
Walking down the bread aisle of the grocery store I stopped and waited for the bread guy to finish stocking the shelf. He looked over his shoulder at me and said, “WHOA! You do know how that happens, right?”
I was trying to be brave taking my 3 littles and my pregnant self to the grocery store. I had everyone contained and they were being rockstars. He continued making comments about how my hands were full and how we really needed to invest in some form of birth control.
I smiled and nodded, thankful the kids were too young to understand what this stranger had said about us.
The Questions Never End
“Are you done having children?”
“Is she your last one?”
“You're done, right?”
I get asked these questions a lot.
Usually, they are coupled with “You have your hands full.” That doesn't bother me quite as much. I know my children are a blessing. I remember the pain of not having them.
But honestly, it's no one's business how many children we want to add to our family. It shouldn't matter whether we have one child or twenty children as long as they are all loved and cared for.
Right?
Why is everyone interested your sex life? If you have more than two children you get these questions:
“You do know how that happens, right?”
“Do we need to get you condoms for Christmas?”
No joke. People get bold. Remember that guy who stocks bread at the grocery store? I was shopping at a clothing (affiliate link) store with the kids and a lady looked at me, shook her head, and told me I need to get out more. At the outlet mall a mom and her daughter stared and pointed.
I don't know whether to be embarrassed, upset, or just smile and laugh.
We aren't a three-ring circus.
Actually, we never thought we could have children. Yes, there is always adoption. Always. But after three years of marriage and no pregnancies, we decided not to use any form of birth control and see what would happen.
Only nothing happened.
I only knew of friends who got pregnant quickly or by accident. This was new territory for me. Was I the only one? Each year at my annual appointment they never seemed concerned. Everything was normal. But it wasn't.
Not for me.
With each passing month, my heart sank a little more and my life-long dream of having children died a bit. The emotional roller coaster was taxing. Not only on me but also on my marriage. Each month was a letdown. Each month I wondered what I did wrong. Why was I broken? Why was God silent? Didn't He hear my cries? I pleaded for a child of my own but those prayers seemed to land on deaf ears.
I pray that my friends back then would tell you that I loved them well. Sometimes it hurt, but it wasn't about me. As one of the ladies without children, I was able to serve my friends. I was able to attend birthday parties, hang out at a moment's notice, wait with friends in the emergency room until their husband could make it, and show up anytime they needed me. I pray I did that well.
For four years this went on. I gave up. I did. It was a long four years of dodging the “So, when are you going to start having babies?” question. Eventually, my answer was, “We don't want children. I'll just keep being a nanny and play with other people's children. Then I get to send them home.” Which was half true, but also heart-wrenching.
But God.
My monthly cycle was late. Late was normal, but I always set two dates. One date was when I was supposed to start, and the second date was the date I would take a pregnancy test. If I reached that date. I was at the second date. I didn't know what to do. I was scared, nervous, giddy at the possibility.
I couldn't get my hopes up. Not again. I'd been down this road before. Not again.
But it was positive.
I could not believe it. Right there in front of me was a positive pregnancy test. I was shocked and ecstatic. There was no time for cute littles reveals. I had to show my husband. Right then.
The baby that I prayed for. The baby that I yearned to hold in my arms. The baby that made me a Mommy. That baby was in my womb.
Now we have four little blessings. Our house is loud. It's crazy. It can be overwhelming. It's full of love. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
If you are struggling with infertility, I pray that your story ends like mine, but I know that it may not. Regardless, know that even though it feels like God doesn't hear your prayers, He does. He hears your silent cries.
So when you ask, “Are you done?”, I don't know what to say. I wasn't for sure we would ever start. Part of me wants to have all the babies. Then I remember the events of the day and wonder how we could ever have more.
Ask These Questions Instead
1. Ask her to coffee.
Keep gift cards to coffee shops handy and give those to the mamas you see gathering their littles. I know she would appreciate it.
2. Ask her about her children.
Talk about the blessing that children are. Maybe it's a Mom who has one child and for reasons known only to her, she and her husband decided not to have more children. That question hurts her too.
3. Ask her how she's doing.
She might really be struggling but feels like she has to keep up a strong front. It hurts to admit the death of a dream. Ask questions that will get to the heart of the matter.
4. Ask her if she is part of a community.
Maybe ask her to join a local Bible Study Group, your small group at church, a local Mom's playgroup. It can be overwhelming to take a handful of littles out into public. Small groups are usually more manageable.
5. Ask her if you can be her friend.
Everyone longs for community. People to do life together with. Extend the community to others that you want for yourself.
Let's put that question to rest. No one really knows the answer anyway. There are lots of people who thought they were finished but found themselves changing diapers again YEARS later. Not sure if you're done having children? Here are some signs that maybe your family isn't complete.
WOW! Reading this article feels like reading a diary for me- except I waited 9 years total. I didn’t use birth control for 5 years and was told that ultimately, without fertility treatment, I would not be able to have a child. I did give up and resigned myself to the fact that I would never be a mother. My husband and I just couldn’t go through the trials of fertility treatments. 7 months later I did the Daniel Fast in an effort to realign myself spiritually. Guess what? I am now the blessed mother of an almost two year old daughter! I am getting the “aren’t you going to give her a baby brother/sister?” question almost daily. God has blessed me with my daughter and if e chooses to bless e again- WONDERUL! If not, I am so grateful for what I have. People need to learn to be more sensitive to this issue and learn to curb their comments when it comes to personal matters such as this..
JP, thank you. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. We didn’t feel that we could go through fertility treatments either. Infertility itself was so hard, we weren’t sure we could add stress to the already stressful situation. Praise the Lord for your precious daughter. Those questions are so hard. With the number of couples silently going through infertility, those comments just need to stop. Regardless, it’s none of their business how many children we will have ;). Blessings to you, sweet friend. Thank you for stopping by!!
Thank you for this story! We have 4 children, one adopted and 3 birth. Today has been a hard day/week for me. Remembering what a blessing these kids are, even when they don’t listen, throw fits and agrue, makes it easier to deal with the struggles. I need to go and grab a hand full of gift cards. I LOVE that idea! It is something small, but I would cry if it where given to me! Thank you!!
“You’ve been busy” or “your hands are full” are the only comments I ever get – until last week that’s when a specialist I had to see went “what! You’re pregnant again? Trying for a boy? No wait you have a boy! Why are you pregnant? You’re crazy! Stop having babies!” We have one of each and one on the way – not like a lot of children or anything.
The first comment always makes me want to say – no I sit around all day literally with time dripping off my hands. I’m so bored. *cough*
The second frustrates me. I’ve started saying “hands full of blessings” because its always said so negatively. Even by others moms. Moms who have more children than I do. Most people stare at me blankly when I say that.
But I didn’t expect the “you-should-be-done” comments yet. If I’m getting them now I know I better buckle up for any pregnancies in the future. And pray now that I’m gracious.
I always appreciate the smiles at my children or comments about them minding. Or the blessed and rare word of encouragement. The amount of freedom people believe they have in this area to express themselves is astounding – I think more people could stand to use grandma’s sage advice…if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
I wish I could say it gets better. Motherhood is beautiful. There are hard days, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I do wish people would think before they speak. I’ve grown accustomed to it, but it makes for some awkward moments and conversations.
I love this post. I only wish I could walk around with it printed on a shirt. My husband and I are 14 weeks pregnant with our 5th child. This is our first pregnancy that happened “spontaneously”, we have struggled with fertility since we began trying for children 14 years ago. We have told nobody of our very happy news partially because we love to keep it just ours for now and partially because I am terrified of peoples reactions. My mom loves to tell me that I am done, and we only have a few more months of diapers left. It hurts my heart so bad every time she says these things. I love seeing when happy loving families are adding to there homes. I think there are many mommas at home who at times feel lonely and left out. The gift card idea and keeping those moms engaged is awesome! Thank you for your wonderful post : )
How I get this post! My mom has been commenting since number 3. (I have 6)
Maybe you should do something permanent. Your babies don’t sleep well. I think you better think long and hard about how many babies you’re having. They will always be your responsibility. The list of comments from her alone is endless.
I love my babies. I have none that I wish I didn’t have. I choose to believe that God meant it when he said that children a blessing, a reward. Even if it’s more than two, or four. I’m always amazed at how hurtful people can be. But then, every once in a while, a new mom with only toddlers comes up to me and says “you inspire me. I want a large family.” Or “your children are such joy. “. I pray that I will learn to be a positive voice for others.
We are expecting our third little one, and excited and overwhelmed about it too. (Our oldest will be not quite 4, our seco will be 19 months) People asking about our private lives, how many children we want or calling us crazy just make the whole thing really awkward and make me feel judged for what is really nothing to do with anyone else! Different numbers of children are right for different families and some people as you said have hurt about not being able to have the children they want. I love the tips at the end- they would be much more appreciated than the silly comments!
Thank you for your sharing your story. I got married when I was just 16 and quickly got pregnant. My husband was 6 yrs older than me and very controlling and abusive. When my daughter was 4 months old I knew I couldn’t allow her to grow up watching her Daddy beat her Mommy and I left. I was 17. I didn’t have a high school diploma ( he forced me to quit school because he didn’t want me to socialize with other boys). I didn’t even have a drivers license or vehicle. I got my GED and met a wonderful man who loved me and stood by me and taught me to trust again. My ex was Latino and I am very pale skinned. My second husband had blondish red hair. People would ask us if my daughter was adopted and what here race was. The questions were hurtful and sometimes down right rude. My husband and I wanted 6 kids total but after 10 yrs and seventeen surgery i had to have a hysterectomy. Our dream of having a large family was crushed. It hurt terribly when ever we were asked about having more children or comments that we really should have a brother or sister so our daughter would not have to be an only child. We have been married 31 yrs now and have two beautiful funny loving grandsons ages 20 months and 3.5 yrs old. I hope that your article teaches others that what you may mean as an innocent question can and sometimes has the potential to be very hurtful. I love all your suggestion and am glad you shared your story
Yes, yes, yes! There is a huge gap between my older kids & my younger ones… and a painful story, too. Please don’t ask me if I’m done. I have been “done.” And for me, it was a hard place.
I feel like infertility and miscarriages are similar in some ways…the joy, excitement and hope and then the crushed dreams. I’ve always wanted a whole house full of kids. I’ve been pregnant 5 times and have two kids. It’s been heartbreaking and exhausting and so discouraging. I find it goes either way with people though, either they ask me too many questions (“when are you going to have a boy?”) or I’m totally ignored by people who know I’ve struggled with growing my family. I can honestly say that the ignoring is so much harder for me than the comments. I would LOVE to be asked what our plan is…I would LOVE to share about my three babies in heaven. I would love to have the opportunity to laugh it off and let them know if they think a few is “too many” they should see me when I’m done 😉 I totally agree that the comments are inconsiderate and none of their business…just throwing out my thoughts too 😉
Thank you for putting number 2. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked when we plan to have another kid. Most of the time it doesn’t hurt too bad and I see it as an opportunity to connect more personally. But sometimes, it hurts. I have one living son. I have 5 babies in Heaven.
Twelve years. That’s how long we waited. Then we had to stop at two little bundles of joy. My boys are old enough now (11 and 9) that most people don’t ask those questions anymore. But those questions that were asked for 12 long years … there are no words, only grief. The ones asked after just made me marvel and shake my head, like you. I try to have compassion now. And when I do ask the wrong question, I apologize and let them talk about it if they want to. And I let the silence stand on its own when they don’t want to talk.
This hit home on many levels. I don’t think people ever realize how bad it hurts when they say things like, “when are you going to have kids”, or if you have one, “will there a brother or sister anytime soon? I never thought of it from the perspective of having lots of kids and still getting snide comments. But I know exactly how you must have felt, even after having one. It’s like you regret ever touching birth control because why would you ever prevent yourself from receiving such a blessing…and I don’t think I will ever go back on it. For starters, the odds of us getting pregnant without a little help and constant prayer is slim. And even if I feel like my family is complete after #2 arrives ( I am pregnant with my second little boy), why would I remove myself from further blessings like that? If I wasn’t so old, I could honestly see myself with 4 or 5 kids, and still wondering if I should have more. Would I have wanted that many before 6 years of hurt, heartache and overwhelming joy when it finally happened? No. Not in a million years. It’s funny how life changes your perspective. Thank you for the article!
Wow. I’m shocked at people’s rudeness. I’m sorry you had to endure it, but happy for your for your 4 little blessings. My best friend has 6 children, so I’m sure she can relate. Personally, I’d also like childless couples to stop being asked when they are going to have children or even worse being treated like selfish monsters if they can’t have/don’t want children. Our society needs to relearn manners.
As a mother of 4 kids 4 years old and under I wholeheartedly agree with this. People can be so outlandishly rude it’s nearly unbelievable. I used to want to give a snarky remark back, but now I just look at them long enough that they feel a bit abashed at their words. We are truly an entitled culture to think we can shame others whom we don’t know. LOVE THIS!
After miscarriage and infertility we adopted two siblings. It was always my plan to adopt, I just thought I’d have biological children first. Then after five more years of infertility and multiple miscarriages, we finally had a miracle baby. She’s almost 2 and now I get the comments, people wondering when I’m going to have another one. That’s painful because I would if I could but it’s all up to God. We haven’t used birth control in ten years. People know our journey and still ask as if everything is magically fixed. Mind your own business, people!
I have six children. This was such a wonderful read. Big families r wonderful and little families r just as great.
I had four, yes you read that right, four kids with my husband by the time I was twenty six. I got all the stares and questions and since I lived sort of southward, all the “bless your hearts” too. What I could’ve never expected was for my husband of fifteen years to suddenly pass away from a heart attack. When I remarried a wonderful man that loved my children, I really wanted to have a child with him too. Because we were “older” everyone went on and on about the “surprise” and “blessing” he must’ve been. What they didn’t know was how much I struggled to get pregnant that time. I’d never had that problem and each month was heart wrenching. But in God’s timing, it happened, and we have an amazing, smart and sweet eight year old. We have seven great kids between us and the last one is the glue that brings our crazy little family together. Don’t be discouraged by what others think. It truly is none of their business.
Unfortunately these questions start right out of high school with do you want a man?, then when you have one of those it’s when are you getting engaged/married?, then do you want children?, When are you going to have children?, Are you planning on more?, when are you going to stop? Unfortunately, even though uncomfortable, painful, sometimes even angering we are going to have these questions and more. We can only hope that we can take those questions with grace, patience and understanding that God gives us. Seemingly, to understand sickness one must experience sickness, to understand grief one must understand grief and so on.(Not meaning this in an unsensitive way. See I don’t like suffering to try to understand. I’ve been sick and God healed me. So I understand too well on some subjects) In my 40+ years on this earth I have decided I don’t want to understand or learn to understand that way anymore. I just try to be sensitive and try not to hurt others in the best way I can. But in all truthfulness, it is impossible not to offend someone, somewhere. Despite our BEST efforts, (I am sure you have learned through your blog) you are going to offend someone. Hope this helps.
i waited and watched as newly wed friends popped up pregnant, young single friends popped up pregnant and for years we got nothing. Rarely even a late period to bring the hope of testing. Then, God turned it all around and we had our firstborn. The active ttc for #2 took 8 mo, but we never used bc and I did not nurse her, so some might consider it too 20mo. But, we were blessed with our second born. Then, God showed is sense of humour and our third came right on the heels of our second – not even a year apart. I call the next years the normal years. Nurse a baby for a year, then pregnant. That was all fine and dandy and my body figured itself out and functioned “normally”. And, I took it for granted. After our ninth child secondary infertility became the norm. Miscarriage after miscarriage. Heart ache after heartache. Then no pregnancy for a while. That was better than m/c, but still heart breaking.
During that time, even people who love me assumed “you’re done, right?” God, I hope not! But we just said, “we’ll see.” DH got on board the, “we must be done” train and began to reply to the comments that we were surely done.
Heartbreak and more heartbreak. Still longing for another child and everyone around me telling me I don’t need another when my heart and soul cries out otherwise. Just because a mom has a large brood does not mean her heartache is soothed when there’s infertility. No, the children I am raising do not replace the one I just lost.
But, there’s no one to understand that pain. I don’t joyfully announce a pregnancy any longer. First, no one shares your joy when you get into double digits. Second, no one shares you’re weeping when you lose that child you so desperately prayed for.
It’s a lonely path. DH mourns the loss, but it’s not the same for him.
And the comments continue. The assumption that we surely are done. No manners or consideration of what they’re saying. Stuff they would never say to someone who wanted a first or second child. Hurtful.
Standing here, in this place, I feel this hurts so much worse than the primary infertility we experienced.
You are an extremely selfish person. It is our business how many kids you have. You’re creating life and the end product of your experiment is death. You are creating a sentient being that can be harmed and will die in the end and you have zero good reasons for doing it. It’s just your selfish desire. If you send your massive brood to public schools then you are living off of my taxes (which I would opt out of if only I could). Your kids create pollution. You engorged your carbon imprint by a hundred fold. If you addict your offspring to animal flesh then you committing a great evil as every meat eating American kills around 7000 animals in their lifetime. The huge entitled ego of you Dr. Frankensteins astounds me.
Mr. Deeb- I spend a fair amount of time online and I think you win for the absolute rudest, most unkind comment I have ever read. You certainly have a right to your opinion, but the level of anger and vitriol expressed in this response is quite something. I pray that you find healing for whatever has caused you to be this angry and hurtful. Perhaps doing volunteer work or serving in the community in some way would give you some perspective.
If you think human beings are just waste then why are you still living. No matter how you try to stop mothers from given birth to more children, that can’t even work. Each and everyone have the right to give birth to as much as they can Carter for. Even the creator created the world for humans not for decoration@ Paul beeb
It’s so frustrating that people can be so rude. If you don’t have any kids, they want to know why. If you’ve just had one, they want to know when you’re having another.
My husband and I waited 5 years before deciding to start our family, and during those years, we heard no end of the questions and bugging from the people who are supposed to care about us the most! I tried laughing it off, but inside, it annoyed me to no end. We were on our own time table for when we wanted to start our family–or if we even did at all.
We had no trouble getting pregnant at all, but it was a very rough pregnancy for me physically–horrible morning sickness all hours of the day, heartburn that never let up, prenatal depression, horrific swelling (due to 17 lbs. of retained fluid), at the end, high blood pressure and preeclampsia that led to an induction, 27 hours of back labor and ultimately, an emergency C-section.
While I love our daughter dearly, I am in no hurry to get pregnant and potentially go through all of that again.
Our neighbors came over to visit a week after our daughter was born. I was recovering from the C-section and still on medication for high blood pressure. One of their questions…when are we having another? My thought: Did you REALLY just ask me that question? Ask me again in a year or two. Or three!
My mother-in-law has already informed us that we really need to give our daughter a sibling “because she needs a buddy”, and she’s actively tried to discourage us from adopting. Well, that decision–and the timing–rests solely with us and God.
I truly believe that weddings and babies make remove people’s filters from their mouths. The two topics just seem to open the door to endless nosy and private questions.
I’d love to come up with a better way to respond, but it just makes me angry.
Wow…I had 4, and the questions didn’t stop until my oldest and his wife had one….then my BFF had anothet, and everyone keeps looking to me to be next….really people need to ask themselves their questions out loud before asking someone else…..as for the rude comments….it’s a good thing that persons mother didn’t feel the same way . 😉
Love reading your blog. It’s wonderful.
We have a wonderful 18 month old daughter, but just a few months ago I lost a pregnancy. I only knew about it for one full day, but losing it was the most heartbreaking experience I’ve ever gone through. I’m tearing up as I write this. Almost every week at church, people ask us if she’s our only one, and if we’re going to have more. It’s so hard to say, yes, she’s our only child right now. And it’s even harder to say, yes, we want to have more. Right now, I would have been almost through the first trimester. I know that no one means anything hurtful, that they’re just excited about our family, but I wish they would stop asking the questions all the same. But God is healing my heart, and I have a wonderful reunion to look forward to in heaven someday. :’)
My heart ached while reading this. I am still waiting for the positive test and it has been nine years. We have adopted not because it was the only way but because we wanted to long before infertility. So I get the “You are done now?” all the time since we adopted 4. But I don’t think so. The Lord had on my heart long ago that we wanted to adopt 5-10 with how ever many he blessed my body with. So no we are not “done” until God says we are done and it hurts to think that people have given up on us when God hasn’t.
Please don’t ask the woman with four (WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, AWESOME) teen/adult sons when she’s going to have a little girl. In fact, don’t ask any woman with all of the same sex at ANY ages when they are going to try for the other sex. Believe me, they have tried!
I am 40, and people have been asking me ever since we had my youngest 14 years ago one of two questions: are you having any more???? OR Are you going to try for a little girl?? Either question is like knives in my heart.
I would have had a dozen boys OR girls if Hubs had been willing. But he decided he was done when we hit four. My arms still ache whenever I’m around babies, and I am waiting (im)patiently for grandbabies to fill them again.
Beautiful post. My story is very similar and I understand not knowing if you’ll be able to have children and also wondering if you’re through. I’m very thankful for my three blessings. I wish people would be more thoughtful in their choice of words or maybe not even mention it because it’s really none of their business anyway. Be blessed!