I have never been at this place before. It’s scary and yet freeing. I go from feeling relief that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel to full on ugly cry because the end is in sight. I’ve always known what’s going to happen next. But here I am 13 months in, and I have no idea. I feel kind of lost.
You see, my “baby” is 13 months old. He only nurses now in the morning, before nap, and before bedtime. Usually once in the middle of the night, but not always. It makes me sad to think that our snuggle time is coming to an end. It literally hurts my heart when I think about it. So I try not to.
I’m in denial. My milk supply isn’t what it used to be. While he does get nourishment, it’s more about comfort, I think. He is cutting two teeth at the same time.
In the past, I’ve been pregnant at this point. I knew I would be nursing again. Soon. I tandem nursed after my son was born. I had to wean him at 12 months because my husband and I traveled to India with our church for two weeks, but I knew that I would be nursing again in 6 months when our second son was born. But here I am. Our second son is 13 months old, and I have no idea if or when the Lord will see fit to bless us with more babies.
So for now, I wait. I take my “what if” thoughts captive to the Lord. I cherish these tender moments. Stroking his little cheek. Holding him close as he positions his tiny hand on my arm. I run my fingers through his hair and pray that the Lord would move in his heart at an early age. That He would bless him and keep him. That he would be used mightily in the Kingdom of God. And I thank Him for these sweet quiet moments during the day and into the night. Because our house is usually far from quiet.
And I trust that the Lord’s plan is far greater than mine. He already has everything perfectly orchestrated. I am simply to be a willing instrument. I do not take for granted the time spent in this season of nursing. I fought hard and long to get here with my daughter. We worked out the kinks and I’ve loved every minute of it. All 44 months so far. So we simply wade through uncharted waters.